MY OP~ED to this blog … https://www.thestranger.com/slog/2019/05/02/40086481/the-good-d-cheated-should-she-offer-him-an-open-relationship-again?cb=f163c8d4aeaf9abd2fac5a33e1b074bb&fbclid=IwAR2w0yf4waSQpwp5YL9lpTW7zy6GEohTZWOHaTu5WmwBRUVZM8wF9jadzao
The Good D Cheated—Should She Offer Him An Open Relationship? Again?
Are you or have you ever been in an open relationship?
I have and I can honestly say sometimes I wish I never experienced one, but I honestly cannot deny that it was a, dare I say great, experience. Unfortunately, it ruined my marriage.
So when I read this post by Dan Savage, it hit hard, right through the heart. I laughed, I cried, I laughed again, then realized I need to write an “op Ed” of sorts to share with all of you.
Now, if you are anything like me, reading 2 blog posts back to back is painful. Seriously, how many of us have the attention span and time to do such a sllly thing. So this post will be much like my other, in which I interject my experiences and opinions, into the original post. And don’t worry, I will cite Dan Savage. I hope that by doing it this way, it allows you to skim for the parts you truly find interesting.
I’m a 28-year-old bisexual women. I just found out that my boyfriend of a year and a half cheated on me. I suspected for a couple days after finding a strand of hair that was neither his or mine in his bed. I asked him about it and he confessed to inviting a girl over and watching TV in his bed even though he has a perfectly comfortable couch downstairs. He claimed that they did not have sex even though she wanted to. I don’t really believe him and either way he crossed a line.
He has a history of cheating, but for some reason I believed him when he said that he had grown and no longer wanted to be that person. In the past, I’ve mentioned exploring an open relationship. He said that he didn’t believe that a strong relationship could be open and didn’t want to jeopardize what we had. I brought it up a few more times and he said that he was willing to try it if it was something that I wanted. Oh, and the sex is really good. We share the same kinks and his dick game is strong.
My question: Should I just break up with him or would it be a bad idea to try an open relationship at this point? Could an open relationship come out of infidelity without making things worse? I doubt I could ever trust him to be monogamous, so that’s just not an option. But maybe if I could still get that good D and look for something more emotionally fulfilling elsewhere… maybe it could work out for the both of us? I’ve also never dated a woman and would really like the opportunity to explore that part of me.
Honestly if the thought of breaking up with him or anyone, crosses your mind, trust your gut. We ALL have an innate intuition that we often ignore. I will be the first to admit that I have, many times in the past, not trusted my intuition and well FUCK ME, the situation blew up in my face and I was the one emotionally hurt. IF you already know you will never trust him to be monogamous again, either be okay with the “unknown” or break up. I have been there with my exhusband and am currently there with my boyfriend. Think about it, if they cheated for whatever reason, they may enjoy the thrill of getting caught, over being allowed to have other partners.
I do love him, which is probably clouding my judgment. That and the sex. He claims that he cheated because he was scared we were “in a very good place” and sabotage was his response. I think he loves me as much as he is capable of, it’s just not enough for me to want to continue to try a monogamous relationship with him.
Love, what is love? I still very much love my ex-husband but had to let go, because he has moved on. I also very much love my current boyfriend and also love my best friend who happens to be male. Side note, I am bisexual, but not actively involved with a woman. As a matter of fact, I have very few female friends, and they are all heterosexual. And before you start thinking its because I am not really bi; stop right there. I am, I know it, I have been there done that and wish I had a female in my life, but it simply hasn’t happened in a long time.
Back to my point about love. If you are only pretty sure he loves you as much as he is capable of, you need to talk to him about that, just love not sex. My friend and I love each other and have agreed to be platonic at this point in our lives. And my boyfriend, who I love, cannot say I love you. Literally, physically cannot say it. And I had to sit down and discuss his non-verbal communication issues with him because I was getting ready to move out. Communication is the key to every relationship.
Too Hard To Say Goodbye ~ Dans response
The boy with the good D was offered an open relationship and he passed. Then the boy with the good D cheated and lied—and when he finally fessed up, THTSG, it turned out he only cheated because things were soooooo good that dick demons flew into his pants and forced him to sabotage the relationship. Which means he didn’t lie and cheat because he’s so bad. He lied and cheated because the two of you are so good.
What’s wrong with you, THSTSG? Can’t you take a compliment?
Ha ha. Nope. The boy with the good D and the history of cheating is incapable of honoring a monogamous commitment and I have a hunch he damn well knows it. So why couldn’t he admit that to you? Well, it wasn’t because he thought you would insist on monogamy. You offered him an open relationship before he cheated. Which means… he’s one of those assholes who doesn’t want to be monogamous himself but wants his partner to be monogamous to him.
EXACTLY! My exhusband, who would freak out about a new guy in my life, actually told me that he didn’t want to be monogamous with me, but had promised to be monogamous with his then girlfriend. And would also tell both of us that he has no reason to divorce me so she needed to accept that he was married. Some men are really BOYS with asshole traits.
The writing was on the wall for me. I should have trusted my gut a few times in my marriage but I loved, and still do, love him. Why, well not because he had a good Dick, but simply because he would say he loved me and we had been together since he was 18 and I was 24. Yes, he was just a kid still albeit a very mature, selfsufficient kid, and I never once thought he would stop maturing. Silly me.
I will admit, I told a lie or two and he lived by the motto that it is easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. BULLSHIT, if you know your woman is open to an open relationship, before you cheat, revisit that conversation. At that point, if she has changed her mind, then be a man and break up with her and be monogamous. You cannot have your cake and eat it too.
Now it’s impossible to forge an honest, healthy, functional open relationship with someone that cheated on you. People often fail at monogamy for years—because monogamy is what we’re told we should want and what we have a right to expect and that monogamy means love and good people want monogamy and no one wants to think of themselves as a bad person and blah blah blah—and sometimes people have to “fail at monogamy” over and over again before they realize that in fact monogamy has failed them. And lots of people who’ve failed at monogamy go on to create ethical (and mutually!) non-monogamous relationships with partners they’d previously cheated on. It’s shitty, it’s painful, it’s not the ideal path, but it happens all the time.
While it is true that it is possible to move on from cheating, there may always be a trust issue and if you cannot move past that, then move on. Make the break. It will suck at first, but you will get through it.
This is one reason I created Pillow Talk Confidential. This stuff is real. Many people think they are alone in these relationship challenges, but we are not. I consider myself to be a TM and Relationship Warrior.
But if this habitual cheater can’t be honest with you still about why he cheated on you—if he can’t be honest with the woman who offered him an open relationship at the start—that’s not a good sign. Because you can’t have an ethical non-monogamous relationship with a fucking liar who treats you like an idiot, THTSG, since non-monogamous relationships, like monogamous ones, require honesty, respect, and a willingness to honor the rules. (Open relationships have rules too—often more rules than a closed one.)
I also have a hunch about you: You know this guy isn’t a good candidate for an ethical non-monogamous relationship, THTSG. My evidence? He’s not your primary partner in the non-monogamous future you’ve imagined with him. If you’re getting the D from him and “emotional fulfillment elsewhere,” well, then he’s not playing the part of your boyfriend in that future. He’s your future friend-with-benefits and/or your future secondary partner—and you’re the person he’ll probably cheat on his future partner(s) with. But you won’t be his girlfriend. Not anymore.
Stop thinking this is about upgrading him to ethical non-monogamous partner, THTSG, but rather downgrading him to fuckbuddy/D-on-the-side.
Dan hits the nail on the head with this closing paragraph. Its time for her to realize she is no longer in the position of him being her primary partner, because he does not fulfill her emotional needs.
Often times, people engage in open marriages because the sex is lacking but the emotional connection is unbreakable. And to that point OPEN is different than POLYAMOROUS. If you don’t know the difference please ask me.
Love and Sex can be separate. But you will never know if you don’t have the difficult conversations, you will never know.
As a final comment, the reason I follow Dan Savage is because 95% of the time I agree with his opinion. But often he is not addressing people that also suffer from disabilities, including depression, BBW/Obesity, and physical limitations but also love Sex and even BDSM.
Much love and many blessing to all of you
Erica aka The Disabled Relationship Warrior